Friday, October 12, 2012

I Don't Want to Have It All Together

One day at school, I was a bit of a mess. I couldn't mind my highlighter or pencil and I was running round trying to get things done. Someone said that it was good to see me a bit frazzled because I always seemed to have it all together and it was good to know that I had my off days too.

I was a bit heartbroken. I thought... is that what people think of me? That I have it all together?

That was never my intention. I generally don't share with many people the things that are going on in my life because that is just the type of person I am. Unless you are someone I trust deeply, I am very unwilling to be vulnerable with you. My intention in trying to always remain upbeat and put together is not to point to myself, it was always to point to Christ. I thought that by pushing through the tough times, helping others in spite of my own pain, and working hard pointed to the absolute belief that I had  in God's plan for my life.

But I guess I was wrong after all. I have become one of those people that is hard to get to know. I am one of those people that seem a little bit unapproachable. And that is no one's fault but my own because  somewhere along the way, I have rebuilt that wall that I thought was long demolished.

When people look at me and think I have it all together they don't see so many things going on in my life. I am hiding an apartment so messy that I can't have people over. They don't see the Friday nights spent alone doing homework. They don't see the moments of profound self-doubt and uncertainty. They don't know that it is hard for me to make friends. They don't know that I stay in the background because it hurts less when I am ignored.

image from here

I need balance.

I stand behind my original intention to always honor God in spite of it all but perhaps I need to be a bit more open about what is going on behind the curtain. I don't want to have it all together because I want people to see Christ in me in spite of my brokenness. I want the victories and successes in my life to point solely to Him and not my perfectionist tendencies.

I don't want to have it all together, I just want Him putting His plan to action in my life.

 It's time I start finding that balance. 


Tiina Mitchell said...

And it is good to figure this out at 25 and not 45! Good job girl!