Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Post-Africa Reflections
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| The Congo Team |
One of the things that I most enjoy about life is how in
each season I often find myself drastically different than I was just
previously. Sometimes the change is hard and sometimes the change is obvious,
but more often than not, I suddenly look up and find that somewhere along the
way I changed and I am not even sure how. There was no big moment or life
crisis (although I have had plenty of those too). There are just slight changes
of course and interactions with people both pleasant and troubling. Sometimes
there are decisions you make without much thought. It is just a culmination of everyday
things, some barely discernible.
While God has certainly worked in my life in big ways, I
find that He tends to work in the minutiae of my life, changing my heart a
little bit each day. As I sit and write this nearly a week after I have
returned from Africa, I ponder His work in my life. I went into the trip
expecting for my life to just implode. I expected that I would have some crisis
of conscience where I would need to choose between academics and mission work. In
spite of my best attempts to not have expectations of the trip, I found that I
had certain ideas of how it would affect my life.
I thought I would put my feet on African soil and fall in
love immediately. That didn’t happen. I thought I would spend a fair amount of
time crying. I cried only once. I thought my life would be changed. But it didn’t
really feel like it had. I worried that I wasn’t connecting to people like I
should. I was worried that I was protecting my heart. I was worried that I hadn’t
had some type of crisis where I evaluated every aspect of my life.
I returned to the U.S. and began to process. People asked me
what the highlight was and I couldn’t answer. I hadn’t thought about it enough
yet. Experiences don’t mean much to me until I figure out how they fit into my
world. I had to think. I had to process.
I still have no highlight of the trip to offer people. There
were certainly funny moments and overwhelming moments. There were moments of
sadness and ones of joy. But that is life isn’t it? At the end of the day,
there was nothing that special about the trip. I simply entered, thanks to God’s
planning, into the daily life of my African brothers and sisters. The bombs and
fighting are nothing special to them, it is just their life.
I remained perplexed about my reaction to the trip, but I
also knew that I just had to let myself process. And yesterday, I had this
moment where I looked up and realized that I am vastly different than the
person I was a month ago. I have absolutely no idea how it happened, but per
usual, God has slowly molded my heart in the small ways. It was likely each
conversation, each prayer, and each story that made a small alteration in my
heart. Before I knew it, those small changes had made a big difference. For me,
it wasn’t one big moment that impacted me; it was a million small ones.
I don’t even know how to explain in tangible ways how I am
different, I just know that I am. I feel like I am more myself than I have ever
been. I feel more centered, I feel bolder, I feel closer to Jesus.
There is still so much processing to be done. I spend a fair
amount of time processing in my own daily life and evaluating this trip will
likely continue for months to come. I don’t even pretend to know what God is up
to and what this trip will mean for my future.
But for now, I remain content to continue on, thinking and
processing, and allowing God to continue to break my heart for what breaks His.