Getting to the GIST of Things

In determining that I wanted my Word of the Year to be Honor, I have been reflecting on the ways that I have not been honoring the Lord. One of the clearest ways that I have not been honoring Him is through how I spend my time. TV, Internet, my phone…. So many things have been clouding up my life; separating me from Him and from the community that I have been increasingly desperate for.

Last week I deleted the Facebook and Twitters Apps off my phone. I was tired of mindlessly checking my phone, by being consumed by it. Now, of course, I can still access facebook on my phone but when I have to take the time to type it into the browser, I am able to stop myself from wasting time. I have yet to check facebook on my phone and suddenly I have all this time! Between this detaching of social media and a severe reduction in TV time combined with a totally purge of my stuff, I have found that I am calmer and more focused. I am more attuned to the variety of ways that God is working in my life. I have more time to actually have conversations with friends.

I am walking with intentionality. As such, I am increasingly aware of my eternal significance.

I have written a lot lately about my reflections on how I occasionally feel about my walk with the Lord and the struggles I have with it. In so many ways, my walk with the Lord and my role in the kingdom have been obscured by unnecessary things of this world.

And I am sick of it. I am sick of not having a closer relationship with the Lord. I am sick on not feeling absolute honor at God’s plan for my life. I am sick of not walking in obedience. I am sick of not being aware of my eternal significance.

So I deleted Facebook off my phone. I might even delete it all together. Pinterest might have to go too; it is too easy to start comparing my house and my crafts and all these things I need to do and make. I need to be practical about season of life and what I am capable of doing. Without guilt, but with joy and thankfulness.

Aware of the eternal significance of my life. Desiring to Honor Him in everything I do.  

I slept through the New Year because I was sick with the worse cold I have ever had. I actually never get colds so this was a new one for me. And it really was the worst timing ever as I was struggling to get papers graded and papers written. I had this expectation for what my break from school was going to be like. And it really hasn’t been any of that. It hasn’t been bad, but just different. And I don’t to different too well.

Particularly, I had an idea what the New Year was going to be like. I planned to spend the night before doing a little cleaning and organizing, contemplating this past year and evaluating some things. I wanted to pray and seek after the Lord for His guidance in the New Year. I expected to be able to sit down and plan out things like I always do. Yet, as the case often is, life happens. Expectations weren’t met. I was sick and slept the whole day. I felt unorganized and unprepared. I felt like I wasn’t ready for a new year, a new semester. It was all coming too fast and my life was too much of a mess.

But then I reflected (I do a lot of reflecting if you can’t tell) on how much my expectations pale in comparison to God’s promises. Scripture is full of promises for me. That He has plans to help me, that He knows me intimately, and that He has prepared good works for me to do. He will be my rest and He will supply my needs. He has given me hope and blessed me with mercy. Then there have been personal promises spoken directly to my heart. They are just amazing and wonderful and I chose to believe them, even when I don’t see how it could possibly work. Because lots of times, I have expectations because I am trying to do things on my own and control things. I want things to be a particular way because that is comfortable to me. I want my life to go the way I planned. Some times those expectations aren’t met and I need to continuously surrender that to God. Once again, I need to realize that it isn’t about me, it is about Him.

Ultimately, when I focus more on Him, I will cling more to His promises and less on my faulty expectations. And His promises are always better. They just are.

And you know what? Once I let go of the anxiety of not having my New Year’s planning session, I got a chance to do it after all. And I was able to approach it with more wisdom and discernment in evaluating what the Lord has me to do in 2013.

He just blows me away sometimes. Or really, all the time.

 During the days surrounding Christmas, I spent a lot of time in reflection about the incarnation and the atonement.

As I looked at Christmas lights, I thought of John’s prologue. As I looked at the angel figurines I collect, I thought of Mary’s obedience in the face of adversity. And then, while riding in a car, I looked up into the night sky and was struck by the beauty of the stars. It made me think of the Three Wiseman and their long journey, guided by a magnificent star.

Matthew 2:1-12 The Visit of the Wise Men

1 Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, behold, wise men from the east came to Jerusalem, 2 saying, “Where is he who has been born king of the Jews? For we saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.” 3 When Herod the king heard this, he was troubled, and all Jerusalem with him; 4 and assembling all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the Christ was to be born. 5 They told him, “In Bethlehem of Judea, for so it is written by the prophet: 6 “‘And you, O Bethlehem, in the land of Judah,
 are by no means least among the rulers of Judah;
for from you shall come a ruler
 who will shepherd my people Israel.’”7 Then Herod summoned the wise men secretly and ascertained from them what time the star had appeared. 8 And he sent them to Bethlehem, saying, “Go and search diligently for the child, and when you have found him, bring me word, that I too may come and worship him.” 9 After listening to the king, they went on their way. And behold, the star that they had seen when it rose went before them until it came to rest over the place where the child was. 10 When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy. 11 And going into the house they saw the child with Mary his mother, and they fell down and worshiped him. Then, opening their treasures, they offered him gifts, gold and frankincense and myrrh. 12 And being warned in a dream not to return to Herod, they departed to their own country by another way. 

For some reason the idea of the magi coming from the East, guided simply by a star really caught my heart this year. I thought about the absolute certainty that they must have felt to travel that far; the absolute certainty that they were part of a momentous part of history; the absolute honor they bore him by bringing the newborn king such extravagant gifts. I was just blown away by the significance of that moments and what an honor to be a part of it.

Then I had a thought. Yes, Jesus’s birth and even His death are monumentally significant! But they were part of God’s salvation plan; His plan to draw us near to Him and allow Jesus’ death to allow us to stand righteous before Him. It is because of these significant events that I can have assurance of my eternal life. As such, I get to be part of something truly amazing; the unfolding salvation plan in my world and in my own life.

I pondered about whether I had that same sense of wonder and awe when I consider my unique role in history and God’s plan. The honor is two-fold really; firstly, that Jesus would come to die for me, to give up His own sinless life in my place. Secondly, as an extension of that, that I have eternal life and a role in the kingdom. Too often, I think, I am preoccupied with how difficult I feel like God’s plan for my life is or how much I have to give up that I forget the absolute honor of being adopted into His family, to have a calling on my life.

As this is being posted, it is the last day of 2012. As I pray about what God would have me do; what He would have me pray; what He would have me learn, this lesson is at the forefront of my mind.

That I would continue to make it less about me and more about Him; that I would revel in the absolute significance of this moment, each moment of my life. That I would appreciate each season the Lord has me in; that I would appreciate the honor of being able to be a reflection of His glory. And above all, that I would come to love Him more than ever before. 

“The Lord doesn’t want you to come to Him as a brainiac who knows her Greek and Jewish language-her Hebrew. He wants us to come to Him as His children. He wants to shower us with His love. So don’t spend time flogging yourself. That’s not what the Lord is asking.” I needed to be reminded of this by Mom today.

It’s so easy to forget that the Lord has us here namely to be loved by Him and to allow us to love Him, and then others, in return. In doing so, we bring glory to God. Seminary, sometimes pronounced by Freudian slip, “cemetery,” has an ironic way of drawing me dangerously close to forgetting this simply profound truth.

I can be WAY too hard on myself, which then in turn leads me to feel apathetic and numb as a way to cope.  It’s not that I don’t  care; it’s that I care SO much that when I fail, I feel that I’ve failed the Kingdom of God and HIS righteousness. And so why continue on? I’m already a royal screw-up. That’s the “logic” I battle with.

But who am I to uphold and maintain HIS righteousness?

I have a need—a deep desire to please my heavenly Father, to love Him through obedience. I can’t let that go. And I know that my choices have real, serious consequences. But I need to remember that it is He who is the justifier, the one who reckons His righteousness to me by faith through Jesus Christ, alone (Rom 3:26; 4-5).  

I also need, as Mom, Dad, Danny, Tiina, Jenny, Chelsea and many others have reminded me, to have a social life! I don’t have one. I’m even more open to Satan’s shame-bombardment in isolation because of it!!! Lord, give me a packaged social life for Christmas this year! Throw all the good people together in a bundle and put a purple bow on it with gold trimming. Oh and I need a JOB that doesn’t relate so heavily to theology in order to stay mentally balanced. Ohhhh how I long like never before to suction the water and spit from dental patients’ mouths!  Or to serve over-priced coffee at Starbucks! I said that I would never take a job at Starbucks, because I can do much better than that. I recant! Starbucks could just be my ticket to staying sane.

I have failed the Lord, and I will again and again, not because I want to, but because I’m still battling a sin nature, which I hate. My only hope is to feed from the Love of God which is infinitely larger and more powerful than my sin, than my grievous failures. My only hope is to drink from His never-ending faithfulness and lovingkindness, and to love Him in response, with everything that I am. What I have to offer is trivial. But I offer it to a God who can make anything He wills from it. I offer it to a God who raises me—yes present active tense—from death to life. From depression to passion.  He alone sees to it that I’m raised up every morning. My hope of life and shalom—the way my child-like soul knows things ought to be—rests solely in Him.

To God be the glory forever and ever. Amen. [And Amen.]

 

 

 

 

Today, I bombed my Hebrew Test that I spent 3 days studying for. I might not have failed it but I definitely consider what happened today to be bombing a test. I knew the material but there was just so much to recall in a second and I psyched myself up to the point that I made dumb mistakes. Honestly, I would have done worse if several of my lovely classmates hadn’t calmed me down as I was being ridiculous. I truly wasn’t at my best today and that left me flustered, sad, and a little adrift. As a recovering perfectionist, days like this are hard for me. Being a perfectionist at things you are good at is exhausting and fairly futile, but perfectionism is even more devastating when you aren’t successful.

While contemplating the reality of doing poorly regardless of how much I prepared, I remembered a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson that says, “Life is a journey, not a destination.” I contemplated about the way that I have been approaching life in general and school in particular lately. While it is so important for me to do well in school because of my plans to continue into doctoral studies, I also need to remember the bigger picture, the bigger reason for studying so hard is to come to know more about God and to be able to share that knowledge with others. Today, I didn’t do well on a test but I have learned so much in Hebrew in these last 13 weeks, things that have changed me and will continue to do so as I continue to learn more. As soon as I begin to study just for the sake of studying, just for the sake of having an A on a grade report then I have lost sight of that big picture. I will have been living for the destination, instead of experiencing the journey.

The destination is certainly important; without it we would have nothing to journey towards. Yet, when it becomes the singular focus of our lives we miss out on the small things. We don’t notice those small things that force us to contemplate and evaluate our lives, emotions, and actions. We miss out on learning from mistakes and the joy of overcoming obstacles because our focus is elsewhere.

I wrote some weeks ago about finding balance in my life. The reality of the matter is that I am an A-student and do A-level work. In order to be a good steward of my talents and obedient to the call on my life, I do need to walk in excellence in this area. Yet, once again, it shouldn’t just be for the sake of getting that A or getting into a PhD program, it should be because I want to learn and honor God in all areas of my life, to the best of my abilities. It should be because I am entirely engaged in my life and the things both big and small that comprise it.

Today, I failed at finding that balance, but I also learned a valuable lesson and was blessed by the many people who spoke kindly to me in my crazy stressed mental breakdown. I was once again reminded of the Lord’s loving correction, pulling my focus away from my own achievements and putting it once again where it should be; solely on Him.

And because, one Ralph Waldo Emerson quote isn’t enough:

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”