Monday, March 18, 2013

Being Just A Little Too Much

Side note: I have had all these things I have wanted to write about and share lately, but things have been hectic and I am adapting to a new schedule so blogging had to go for a bit, but this post is something that really hit home for me today and I felt I had to share it.

For many, they struggling with not being enough. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not cool enough. Just not enough in some way or another.

I struggle in this area, especially related to school. I didn't study enough, I am not smart enough, I didn't work hard enough, I am just not enough to succeed in this. I actually struggled with this today.

But lately, I have noticed I also struggle with the other extreme; feeling like I am just a little too much.

Too Talkative
Too Smart
Too Female
Too Messy
Too Introspective
Too Demanding
Too Ridiculous

You know, just all around too much.

This is one of the reasons, in addition to my introspective nature, that I tend to keep to myself and hold back. I didn't ask questions in school because I didn't want to seem too... I don't know... too ridiculous. I didn't get to know professors well or ask them for help because I didn't want to seem to needy. I was afraid that if I opened myself up to people they would see how crazy my mind works sometimes, how obsessive I can be, how sometimes I just need to ramble the same thing over and over to people. I was afraid that if I opened up so people could see how my mind worked they would misunderstand my musings as complaining (which happens a lot actually). Some people don't realize that I have a big personality and when it comes out, it seems to be too much for some people.

But somewhere along the line, I just got tired of not being myself. The truth is that I am a messy and complicated person. I am obsessive and passionate. I am determined and searching. I have my flaws, definitely, but I should be ok with who I am. I will always be growing and changing, but I should not have to apologize for where and who I am at this moment in life. Not everyone has to love my personality, but I should at least give them the opportunity to get to know the real me.

And even as I type this, I think of my word of the year: HONOR.

I am God's creature. Just like I cannot believe the lie that I am not enough, I can't believe the lie that I am too much. I am made in His image and He knew me before I was born. He knows me; the messy, complicated, overwhelmed, slightly obsessive, perfectionist that I am. He knows me; the passionate, loving, continually searching and growing me. I do Him absolutely no honor when I hide who I am and who He fashioned me to be. I do Him no honor when I hide the person He is molding me into.

Maybe in 5 years, I won't be as obsessive or ridiculous, but maybe I will be.

And I am ok with that. Because while I might be just a little too much for the world, I am not too much for my God.


Jamie said...

So I might just be a little far behind in my blog reading, but it seems like ALL of the posts that have been written in the past few weeks are converging so that I am getting them all at the same time, and wow, it's a lovely message. I read yours above and the following about 20 minutes apart and I thought it was lovely how similar the sentiments are:

Thanks for sharing.