Getting to the GIST of Things

Talking with two friends at school one day, I heard myself say, "God's plans are bigger than my pain." It was a startling realization in the midst of an intense discussion about being confronted, challenged, and hurt by someone I hadn't expected to hurt me.

What this person said almost doesn't matter. What matters is that it felt like someone took a cheese grater to my heart. They said things that weren't true and made assumptions about the person I am. I was bewildered, wondering who I really was. If I wasn't a caring, emphatic, safe person... then who was I?

I talked to close friends and said, "Is this true?" And the overwhelming response was that it wasn't. Did the person have some good points about ways I could grow? Definitely. Did they articulate them well? No. And then I got smacked across the head when somebody else I respect, but who doesn't know well basically said they have concerns about my ability to connect with people on an upcoming missions trip. (By the way, the best way for you to ever get proven wrong is tell me you don't think I can do something.)

So, I am sitting in the student lounge with my heart shredded and before I know it, I am spilling my guts. And in the process of this discussion, I shared how much I wanted to pull away and build up walls to protect my heart. Yet, I knew that wasn't really a possibility. It hurts to live with my heart in the open, but it is something I have to do. God's plans are bigger than my pain.

The reason why I closely guard my heart is that I am easily hurt. I might never tell you that you have hurt me, but I am a deeply sensitive person. I feel like I am always offering my heart to people on a platter and saying, "Please, treat me with care." And people often don't. And I turn inward out of self-preservation.

But I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to experience things that I am usually too afraid to because I know that I will get hurt. I want to make new friends and have new adventures. I want to learn how to live with a shredded heart because that is how I feel right now. Like I am sitting here, with a heart that honestly physically feels bruised. I feel vulnerable and I feel scared. That heart that I offer up? People won' t treat it with care. They will bruise it more. They will make me cry and doubt myself. But if I want people to know me better than I have to be willing to show them more of who I really am. Will there be pain in that? Obviously, but there is also great joy.

And ultimately, I love the person I am and the person God is shaping me to be. I love the plan that God has for my life. And if I have to spend my days laying out my shredded heart for people to stomp on in order to live His plan out, then I that is what I need to do.

Because God's plans are bigger than my pain.

P.S. Shout out to those two people in the Seminary Student Lounge. Your words that day mean more than I can ever express.

Side note: I have had all these things I have wanted to write about and share lately, but things have been hectic and I am adapting to a new schedule so blogging had to go for a bit, but this post is something that really hit home for me today and I felt I had to share it.

For many, they struggling with not being enough. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not cool enough. Just not enough in some way or another.

I struggle in this area, especially related to school. I didn't study enough, I am not smart enough, I didn't work hard enough, I am just not enough to succeed in this. I actually struggled with this today.

But lately, I have noticed I also struggle with the other extreme; feeling like I am just a little too much.

Too Talkative
Too Smart
Too Female
Too Messy
Too Introspective
Too Demanding
Too Ridiculous

You know, just all around too much.

This is one of the reasons, in addition to my introspective nature, that I tend to keep to myself and hold back. I didn't ask questions in school because I didn't want to seem too... I don't know... too ridiculous. I didn't get to know professors well or ask them for help because I didn't want to seem to needy. I was afraid that if I opened myself up to people they would see how crazy my mind works sometimes, how obsessive I can be, how sometimes I just need to ramble the same thing over and over to people. I was afraid that if I opened up so people could see how my mind worked they would misunderstand my musings as complaining (which happens a lot actually). Some people don't realize that I have a big personality and when it comes out, it seems to be too much for some people.

But somewhere along the line, I just got tired of not being myself. The truth is that I am a messy and complicated person. I am obsessive and passionate. I am determined and searching. I have my flaws, definitely, but I should be ok with who I am. I will always be growing and changing, but I should not have to apologize for where and who I am at this moment in life. Not everyone has to love my personality, but I should at least give them the opportunity to get to know the real me.

And even as I type this, I think of my word of the year: HONOR.

I am God's creature. Just like I cannot believe the lie that I am not enough, I can't believe the lie that I am too much. I am made in His image and He knew me before I was born. He knows me; the messy, complicated, overwhelmed, slightly obsessive, perfectionist that I am. He knows me; the passionate, loving, continually searching and growing me. I do Him absolutely no honor when I hide who I am and who He fashioned me to be. I do Him no honor when I hide the person He is molding me into.

Maybe in 5 years, I won't be as obsessive or ridiculous, but maybe I will be.

And I am ok with that. Because while I might be just a little too much for the world, I am not too much for my God.

image from here

I grew up Catholic so giving up things for Lent has been practically ingrained in my DNA. For many years after I came to really know the Lord and call myself a Christian again, I resisted the Lenten rituals as too formulaic and archaic. As the years have gone by, however, I have come to crave some of the more formal and traditional expressions of my faith. Often in our desire to be sola scriptura Protestants have overlooked so many of the beautiful and historical aspects of Christianity. One of the ways that some (though obviously not all) have pulled away from the dreaded T word, that is tradition, is by disregarding the liturgical calendar. This in itself is neither, as its core, good or bad as such things are, I believe, not fundamental to our faith.

Yet, I have increasingly found that I really enjoy embracing some of the things from my Catholic roots. Last year was the first year is many that I chose to abstain from something during Lent. I chose to give up something that was near and dear to me... Diet Pepsi. While that might seems silly, it was difficult for me and it brought my attention to the areas of my life where I had not allowed the Holy Spirit to really shine His light on. Yet, as soon as Lent was over, I was back to drinking Diet Pepsi.

I am continuing on my quest to weed out things that are not of Him this year. About 2 weeks ago, I gave up soda. It hasn't been perfect and I had two slips, but I am not wasting money on soda nor am I obsessed with always having it. I have healthier and crave less sugar. Along with mostly cutting out facebook and getting rid of Twitter, I have seen drastic improvements in the clarity of my mind and my focus on more important things.

In many ways, I have been living out Lent for much of 2013. Yet, knowing that I am joining with millions of other believers around the world in giving up something that we like to do, eat, or drink and focusing more on God gives me a sense of connectedness that I very much cherish. More than ever, it is important for me to spend this Lenten season in solemn contemplation and focus on God. Thus, I have going big! Other than this blog, I will visit no other blogs of any kind. Facebook and Pinterest will be gone! Basically, I am limiting my computer to school only things.

 I want to spend more time with less stuff crammed in my mind. I expect to hear the voice of the Lord in some big ways and welcome His correction in my life. It is possible that these changes might be permanent (or I will learn how to control myself), but I am focusing just on this season and what God might have me to do. I am looking forward with sharing my Lenten Reflections each Thursday during Lent!